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  • 7. Keith Barber
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  • 9. Jon Cooper
  • 10. Elliott Severs
  • 11. Chris Hanson
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New Boy Hanson in mystery absence

Tuesday night’s double header saw a few holes in the St John’s line up with one of half of the Cunliffe Cooper duo missing, Severs being tired and Goodacre also being absent.  But one shock absence from the squad was St John’s new boy - Chris Hanson.  It is rumoured that he did intent to play but injured himself on Monday while having a wii.  Sources are yet to confirm this story.

 Hanson should be back for the next fixture on the 15th April. 

v Brazilianos

Tuesday, 15th April.  Kick Off - 7pm

Our next game isn’t until the 15th April giving us two weeks off to get better at passing, dribbling, shooting, tackling, saving, buying chips with the kebab and generally playing football before we take on top of the table Brazilianos.  

Please note, they are only 5 points ahead of us so if we beat them we move into sight of top place.  Hoyland misses the game due to being in The Lake District (and won’t be back in the team till May) and Goodwin will have just run 26 miles back from work or something like that.

Please let Hoyland know if you can make it by leaving a comment (go on, give it a go!) or sending him an email.  Thank you.

SJFC 6 - 7 Sheffield Titans

SJFC 5 - 0 Longley & Hove Albion

Gaffer pleased with points despite two defeats

St John’s Gaffer, Hoyland, has spoken exclusively to the official SJFC website for the first time since what was possibly the most bizarre evening of football they have ever witnessed.  The Saint’s continued their Premiership fight for survival at Concord on an evening that can only be described as ‘quite cold’ with a double header against last years winners and a team who were probably not old enough to Remember The Titans.

“It was a strange evening.  We went into the first game expecting to lose and that really showed in the first half.  We weren’t confident enough and all played with our heads down.  It hindered our ability to see where we were going so this week in practice we have been trying to look up.  It hasn’t helped yet but we have a few weeks off to get this right.  The second half was much improved.  The opponents obvious footballing ability seemed to be thrown out the window when they decided it would be more fun to try and annoy us.  It didn’t work.  Although Kev did miss a penalty.  I don’t think enough was made of this.  Please - readers - bring this up much more in the future.  We ended up winning the match 5 - 0 despite the fact they scored 6 and we only scored 3.  It’s maths like that that keep you in the Premiership.”

“We were obviously tired for the second game and should really have done better.  We’ll get the Titans in the next leg.”Hoyland then ran out of things to say so left muttering to himself about the fact he’d really like it if someone else had a go at writing stuff for the website…

Saints Collect First Premiership Point

A resounding draw saw The Saints pick up their first Premiership point and so the Fight For Survival begins.

A very close game involving two teams, both with players led to a stalemate that could not be broken as the full time whistle sounded.  A goal was scored by one team first and then after that three more goals were scored.  Two of them were scored by St John’s players - one of whom was Severs (who was eventually convinced to get on the pitch) and the other one was probably Cooper.

Andy Cunliffe probably played really well but will have missed a few sitters.

The gaffer didn’t even bother putting his boots on and Cooper nearly got sent off.  If the  referee had heard his language upon finding out that the other guy who scored as many as him last season got the golden boot trophey because “he was here last week” then I am certain The Saint’s all time top scorer would have seen red.

No more information about the game can be given because the talk of the terraces was, rather than football, mostly about kebabs, the lack of chips, Sever’s non existant social life, his cats and the possible name for Baby Hoyland (Eliott - or Elliot - being the favourite from a certain Super Sub).

Worthy of a mention in the match report, however, was the arrival of Saints newbie - Chris.

SJFC 2 - 2 Real Ale Madrid

Double header

Tuesday 25th March

Match 1: v Longley & Hove Albion.
Kick Off: 20:45

Match 2: v Sheffield Titans
Kick Off: 21:15

It’s a double header so having lots of players won’t matter! It’s also quite late so remember to get permission to stay up past bed time if you need to. Due to the lateness of kick off and the TV coverage it is expected that crowd attendance will be lower than usual.

Please let Hoyland know if you can make it.

Saint’s in close season signing

News has just come in that chief scout and top goal scorer, Jon Cooper, has convinced Hoyland to make a new signing.  Details have not yet been confirmed but it is thought that a new player has signed on the dotted line this morning.

“We’re not allowed to say much,” said Hoyland earlier today, “but what I can say is I’m only bringing in people who I think can do a job.  We don’t need anymore… I mean… any boot fillers.  We’ve found a player we like and we’ve made a move.”

In other news goalkeeping legend Martin Lymn has passed a medical and will be fit to start in the Premiership campaign.

Premiership fixtures released

Confirmation of the fixtures for the new season have today been officially released by Match Night.

The draw sees St John’s start with a home tie against the team that took St John’s other name: Real Ale Madrid. A quick look at the official club stats shows that either the team are new to the league or they have a scoring record that is similar to Barber’s last season. The only thing really known about the team is that they wear white.

Of particular note on the fixture list is the two double headers that St John’s will have to endure following the postponement of not one but two fixtures this season.

Club reaction will follow shortly…

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